Wash your hands......

I adore The Stranger, Seattle's free weekly publication.  It is humorous, well-written, and a great source of information for upcoming shows in the area.  My favorite sections are Savage Love, Drunk of the Week, I Saw U, and most of all.... I, Anonymous.  I, Anonymous is basically a letter to someone, a confession or accusation usually.  Some of them are hilarious, others heart breaking, but all of them entertaining.  This week's was no exception.  Here it is, word for word.

Bon Appetit, Edward Shithands

I apologize if our handshake at Tuesday's "working lunch" came off as a bit awkward.  The moment you extended your right hand, I instantly recalled the dozens of times I've watched you march directly from the second-stall toilet to the bathroom exit door.  If you don't want to wash your hands, that's fine.  I don't expect you to scrub your shit-covered fingers more than Howard Hughes.  However, perhaps you could be a little more courteous when it comes to covering your coworkers with your filth.

Think of it this way.  When you have morning breath, you don't try and make out with your girlfriend.  When you step in dog poop, you don't wipe it off on your mother's Persian rug.  And when you put your hand against your butthole, you shouldn't rub it on your coworkers.

So, as I sat in the hour-long meeting eating finger foods elegantly topped with fecal matter, I feverishly plotted my revenge.  The following day after everyone had left the office, I slowly slid your computer mouse down the crack of my ass.  Bon appetit, Edward Shithands!

So true.  The lesson for the day?  Wash your hands folks.  

Other I, Anonymous titles that are funny:

You May Sell Organic, But You're Still a Capitalist Pig

God Damn Your Smooth Scottish Jazz

Thank You For Sucking So Consistently

Peep This

The Cancer, The Cheeseburgers, The Revenge

You Vegan F*@k

If you haven't picked up a copy of The Stanger lately, I highly recommend it.